It’s hard for me to say what only the heart can say but, even then my heart has no deeper thought than what it has witnessed. I’d be a fool if I’d say that I have not felt a change and made a change to be closer to God. I have and I know that I will continue to. My only concern now is whether I have felt my worth for God and if I had looked at his love for me close enough in order to give him everything I have and everything I am.
Before going on that retreat, I loved my life… except for the consistent pressures that just wouldn’t leave me alone. I loved going on gimmicks and I loved going to bars when I had the chance. I had friends who accepted me and respected me. Why would I change? “I’m not dumb” I told myself and I knew just how true that was yet, there I was on a retreat talking to all these nice people; People whom I’d still be friends with even though they were not Christians. There I was by choice, telling myself that I’d be as honest in my disbelief in God as I possibly could thinking that—well knowing— that these people would not have answers to my questions. I was right. They definitely did not have the answers to my questions… but… so did I. I believed that these unanswered questions would build the foundation for my atheist stand, that these unanswered questions would allow me to continue on with my lax living but… God kept trying to break the fences I’ve built for myself… and when he got too close, he told me: “how can you build a foundation with no materials and an empty wagon? Here I hold my love for you. It is as solid as the strongest rock. Why not build your foundation with my love and fill your wagon with it for it will be full but it will be enough.”
It got me thinking but… it didn’t change the fact that my doubts have also proven that God’s foundation is as weak as any other. I’ve got to ask then, where was my faith? Why have I abandoned my Lord? I thought that I had lost all confidence in him but to my dismay, I have come to realize that I had lost all confidence in myself. Here I am trying to overthrow many people’s awesome and loving God because I was insecure with myself. I was walking among many men and believed that they were there but have seen God’s miracles yet still, here I was questioning His power—never believing in love as others did. I have always seen love as a mechanism working inside each one of us. We love because we have been loved. Love is a favour we must return.
God has showed me though… even before the retreat… that love is a sacrifice of life and has Jesus not yet proven that? I now believe that love is just love—an intangible truth that brings joy and meaning to everyone’s life.
Where was my faith? I walked with no Identity in Christ. Where was my faith? I walked alone. Where is my faith? God has guided me back to it. Here is my faith; it is an unending well of empty thoughts but overflowing love.
Here it is and here I am and here was God because he never left.
I must admit that doubts will never leave me but I will not doubt to destroy his word and turn it against Him… but instead— I will doubt to build a relationship with my Lord and Saviour. I will doubt to know him better so that one day I may help others build a loving relationship with God.
I have, also, on my retreat, shared with my d-group leader that I have always prayed for other people more than me. I always had this line: “Lord kahit para sakanila nalang, mabuti silang mga tao.” I have always condemned Christ but people never really knew that I continued praying. I always felt that I was praying for them, that this is what they would’ve asked for. I wasn’t asking for myself. This is not to boost my image or reputation but this is the hard truth. I was a non-believer praying to the Lord, asking from—for me a non-existing—God. I always believed that I wasn’t worthy enough to pray for my protection and happiness. God was for the believers and not for me, God was for the holy and not for me, God was for everyone except me. The thought of my unworthiness is still here though the difference now is that I pray and ask God to help me find my worth. I still sin most of the time and it’s a struggle, but it is a struggle that I and my God can solve together. See, I don’t have to do it alone because I have God beside me. I don’t have to waste anymore time making stupid mistakes which could’ve been avoided with God’s assistance.
I still am rationalizing and weighing things between plausible and not but, I have my miracles to prove that God is a mighty God and a wise God for he works in ways we understand and what I do understand is that his love is enough for us and that I will someday realize that I am enough for him as well.
To God be all the Glory, Honour, and Praise.
I love you G!
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