Ate Kat and I woke up with a 1-hour interval on October 30,2009-friday. I woke up at 3:30 a.m. as I despised so much being late. Ate Kat woke up at 4:30 as I failed to wake her up on time. We left at about 5:15 and walked towards Buendia to look for a cab. We were blessed to have gotten one faster than we had expected though were both surprised to find that the meter had gone to a jaw-dropping amount. We paid 92.50 php... well actually ate Kat did.
I was telling her the night before that I had a class I was going to miss that friday. We had 2 Laboratory exercises(wherein—by God’s grace—we still had no professor for). I was restless that morning because of the fact that it might be a factor for me to fail that class because every exercise counts.
We arrived and waited atJollibee at the ground level of
Waiting in line was very awkward for me as I knew no one at all except Jan-Jan and ate Kat. We were assigned to bus 4 and we chose our seats according to what we have planned earlier. Ate Kat sat with Yodin and I sat with Jan-Jan. Jan-Jan and I talked a bit and he went to sleep as I have as well.
We arrived at
1:00p.m.-first session
The session started off with a game where we had to play the Free! Retreat version of the singing bee. I think ate Kat’s group won that one.
The message was about personal holiness and how to get from here to there.
Learnings?
- We can follow Christ while enjoying holiness (be holy in all your conduct)
- being holy doesn't mean that we have to be separated but instead be set apart from secular to sacred.
there are 3 stages of personal holiness
- Salvation-Being Holy in God's mind
- Presentation-Being holy in the believer's mind
- Transformation-Holy in the believer's life
INSULATION AND NOT ISOLATION.—Do not be like monks who live separate lives from most of earth’s population… what after all is the very purpose of our existence if we are not to spread God’s word? Living inside the boundaries of a consecrated place without living for the very purpose of exalting God is not holiness.
Insights?
Holiness is not boring. It is simply following the path of Christ in everything that we do.
Breakout time!
We had out breakout session beside the dining area. We each introduced ourselves first just to break the ice once more. We then talked about what being holy and what being carnal was. I admitted that I was Carnal...knowing that there was a God but forgetting how good he has been to me... worshipping earthly things than him. Our leader, Bryan Kee--who was from Ateneo just as Gavin Chan, Joe Valdes, Elijah "Jam" Pascual were-- had discussed an effective way to share the word of God. I have heard of the method before because of the Korean Missionaries who came to our school. We each had our insights and shared it and closed with a prayer. I honestly do not remember much of the details of the insight sharing as I had previously explained to my group on day 2 that I had a very short attention span and memory span but, I remember hearing very helpful insights such as needing to place more trust in God more. We then checked-in our cabins as instructed and chose our beds... I chose to stay beside the window on the inner left corner which by-the-way I do not regret though the spot was almost completely wet during and after the storm.
Bryan, André, and I decided to play volleyball near our cabins. We all decided to invite some more people to play and we managed to get two girls and a guy to play with us. I only remember Autumn though the other girl was Grazhel…maybe. I Don’t remember the guy’s name too. We were all having fun (running, tripping, slipping) and this girl came up with her group of friends and she had this high energy that was very contagious. I was quite surprised when I picked up the ball. I looked up and the girl just says “Hi John!”
What I said: “Hi, wanna joins us?”
What I was thinking: “Hi! Who the heck are you?”
It was already dark and we decided to head back to the cabin to get ready for dinner. Dinner was great! There were so many food but I also remembered the baked mac tasting bland.
Ha! Imagine that! I’m on a retreat and I criticize the food more than I criticize myself(realization 1)
Session 2:
After dinner, we proceeded to the session hall for the second session of the module.
We played a game before starting the session with singing.
The game was that we had to form a mechanical object which we have chosen at random. We didn’t win. Haha!
Oh wait! Remember the girl I was talking about? The girl I didn’t know but said hi! No? if you don’t, then you seriously have to read this whole post from the start again! Haha!
Going back… that girl that I was talking about. Well this is the part where I meet her. I sat down with my “Game group” (not my d-group) and she just talked to me and we just talked and talked and talked and talked. We were instant friends because we fed on each other’s energy. She reminded me of my best friend!
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh! I miss my bestfriend!
Anyways…
Session 2 was headed by Pastor Nathan. He was a bit disappointed so he gave us a sermon before the session saying something like how… singing to God and for God was something sacred… It was a bond of communication that shouldn’t be taken lightly… He also said that he didn’t like competing with other voices so he warned us that he would not keep shushing us because we should know better…
Pastor Nathan then started the session. It was about Temptation: why is it so darn tempting??? (okay! Scratch the “darn” part… It wasn’t really included)
As the session started, the rain started pouring yet we were so comfortable with Pastor Nathan’s comic (yet effective) presentation but, then suddenly the lights went out, then the doors open and then cards come flying in. I saw Joker behind the screen of torn apart queen of spades. Ok.Ok that wasn’t what really happened… but the lights did go out. The
Realization 2? But I already knew this beforehand so I don’t think it counts as a complete realization: Never let obstacles hinder you to accomplish the tasks that build up your journey towards your goal.
Pastor Nathan talked about how temptation works and how it brainwashes us… Temptation—in my own understanding of things (since I don’t remember much of what was said… but hey! Don’t judge! I still got the Idea!)—is like everyone’s comparison of curiosity and the cat. “Curiosity killed the cat!”
I’d tell you this if you’ve asked the old John:
“Curiosity killed the cat… but the cat knew that he had 9 lives”
I’ll tell you this if you ask the New John:
“Curiosity killed the cat… and the killer took all 9 of his lives”
…May the cat rest in one piece…
The point is… no matter how strong we think we are… we will never be able to resist… because we’re human…We’re curious…—
But,
yEs pEOPLe tHERe Is A bUt!!!!
If we become proactive instead of reactive and if we prepare ourselves in the way that the Lord has taught us and in the way that God has lived, if we trust the Lord enough… then temptation will be nothing compared to the eternal joy that we feel each time we resist giving in. We are people, we make mistakes… but we are not unintelligent beings. We learn to live, we learn to trust, then we learn to love. With that love, we find ourselves obeying and…
that love we feel when we obey is never not worth anything. It is very much worth every damn thing.
Breakout time 2!
On our way back to our cabins, the security team of the retreat stopped us momentarily because of the fast-pouring rain. When we finally got back to the cabin, we were all so tired. We didn’t even wanted to have our breakout session but our d-group leader, Bryan Kee, or kuya
though I think I’m older— pushed us (not literally) to keep ourselves awake.(Thanks Bryan!). Though I can’t quite reveal as much as I’d want to, I can say this: most of us find temptations and all of them are lust for different elements of human’s existence like lust for music, lust for attention and the most basic type of ust… the lust of the flesh. Na-a-ah! We are not flesh eating mongrels. We are civilized people with hard to control desires. Ha! Take that Zombieland!
Moving on…
Everytime we had our breakout, I always shied away and not volunteer to speak but somehow, when it’s my turn, I find myself saying things without effort… I manage to say things without really knowing why but mostly every word I said was in context to what was said in the previous sessions. I didn’t know –and I still do not know—whether my heart was set in place of my mind or my mind was playing on auto-pilot as it sometimes does.
I felt very vulnerable but still safe somehow with my group but I realized how I hated two things. One, I hated how much I was so perfect and two, I hated how much I was so far from perfect.
Realization 3: I had been so insecure with myself that I totally forgot that the world would not be my final judge (though it is still a constant critic). It’s God who will judge me… not by my appearance or how I was perceived by the world…but by my internal appearance and how I have received the world.
Insecurities that played roles in my life:
-Weight
-Humor
-Effeminism
-Social awkwardness
I have put up my wall for so many years,most especially in social gatherings like… well I dunno… a retreat…because I felt so much trauma from my defeats that I forgot to aim for a victory. God has told me, ironically while on a retreat, that I will win if I bet it all on Him. God has penetrated my wall on a day where I guarded myself most. God is worth the gamble because He is worth even more the win.
Sleep time:
After the breakout session and a couple of silly jokes, we all went to bed.
I woke up at about 3 a.m. and was surprised to find that
Okay the drooling part was a joke! Okay? C’mon! You’re on the internet guys! Don’t believe everything you read.
☺
I woke up next at about 5 a.m. and everyone was asleep now. I went back to bed feeling cold. I woke up at about 6 a.m. and everyone was up and by then outside with a front row view for God’s rock concert… well, the concert stopped before 7 a.m. (before breakfast) and by then we were all hungry for food.
Breakfast was omelette, pork chop (I think), plain rice, bread, pancake. I think that there were also sausages…
Gavin wanted to play ping-pong and asked if anybody wanted to play. I volunteered to play ping-pong with him, so we went outside but, somebody else was using the table so he and Jam decide to go play chess using the giant chess board in the pavilion (is that what it’s called?)
I took some pictures of them playing then went back to the cabin for personal devotion and to take a bath as well. After taking a bath we proceeded to the main hall. As usual, a game was started before the session itself. The game was like a life version of “bring me.” Like “bring me a person who can blow the biggest bubble off a bubble gum.” I wasn’t really fond of joining those kinds of games since I wasn’t used to standing in front of so many people. The 3rd query was “Bring me someone who can do a shampoo commercial!” no one from our group stood up and Gelle (BFF!!! As I’d like to call her) suddenly tells me “BFF! Ikaw nalang dali!”
My Reaction: “Ha! Ako?”
Her reaction: “Oo! Go!”
I took the flag and ran towards the stage—I don’t know why I did it.. Good thing I used shampoo before the session. When I got to the stage I was like “WOAH!” I’m the only guy? What have I gotten myself into? The hosts then proceeded to interview each contender. My heart was beating fast and my legs were literally shaking. The hosts now turn their attention towards me and I was like “here we go.”
The scenario:
The hosts asked John to swish/flip—or whatever you wanna call it—his hair. He waits for the perfect moment. He gets ready for the kill. He swishes it….
And he gets a perfect 10
And the crowd goes wild! Woohoo! I did win that round thank you very much! Haha!
But that’s not all…
The 5th query was “bring me someone who can do ramp modelling!”
I was like “Oh s**t!” I knew somehow that I wanted to but I haven’t even recovered from the first one yet. Then… as I had expected “BFF!! Ikaw nalang ulit!” I was more anxious to get this over with than the first “bring
What I was saying in my head: “Ok breathe, relax, you can do this!”
What I’m thinking now: “Heck yeah! I’m a model!”
I walk down to the first marked position then I swish my hair and I can hear screaming and I was all “I’ma put on a show now! Whatever happens, It wouldn’t be the worst right?” I walk down the aisle and my d-group mate was screaming my name and he just grabs my hand and shakes it like crazy and screams. The crowd, as I saw their reactions (the one’s I did see),was loving it.
To tita Melody: See tita! You don’t have to be Jacob Black or Taylor Lautner to become a supermodel… haha! I have a 6 packed don’t you know? 6 bilbils packed with rock hard food! Cool po noh? Haha! Tita peace! Haha! Kayo po unang humirit eh LOL
Anyway… The game was over and we didn’t win… but that was okay. I got more than what I had bargained for.
Realization 4? I haven’t been keeping track… have you?
Realization: God really created me to be a ramp model…Gosh! I am freakin’ hot! Haha!
Real realization: we are not meant to be just people. God never made us to be that way. He has created us each uniquely because He wants us to be His people.
Don’t hate! I have a good runway walk! In fact, I walk better than those tall hunky models.
Session 3 started after separating the girls from the boys. The session was split into 3 parts. For boys… The first 15 minutes was to be given by Pastor Nathan, the second 15 minutes was to be given by Pastor Nathan’s wife. The last part was supposed to be joint but Pastor Nathan did all the talking so wipeee! Happy times! Pastor Nathan is funny but still very very effective. He reaches the youth in a way that they understand, the way we understand. (I’m still part of the youth right?) The first part, Pastor Nathan discussed how men are visual and touchy so he taught us a Christian hug where we don’t touch any sensitive areas. (actually and honestly, it doesn’t really feel like a hug. No offence meant though) He discussed how temptation especially if taken into the context of the lust for flesh, is part of the devil’s plan. Pastor Nathan also discussed how it is better to avoid the temptation while we can and never over estimate our resistance. The second part was all about how men wear blue glasses and women wear pink. Difference in sexes also means difference in mentality and mindset. To men it may seem macho but for girls, sometimes it seems stupid. The third part talks about how to find love in a Christian concept.
Rule 1: Go on group dates
Because when you are looking for love, God will find a way to show you His best for you.
Rule 2: Never be left alone with a girl
Pastor Nathan says that you can give it as an alibi: “It wasn’t my fault. We were alone in the car and things got steamy”
Rule 3:Never get a girl that is not Christian.
She will just pull you from your faith.
After the session, we had lunch, then we had an amazing race type of game (this is after the Q&A portion after lunch). Coconuts were additional points. Fast forward>>As we were on our 4th challenge, the rained started pouring and the games were stopped. It was free time by now and Jan-Jan, ate Kat and Yodin asked me if I wanted to go take pictures with them so I did. We went back after that. We had our breakout session during free time. We talked about what was discussed.
Realization:
God will give you His best if you give Him your best(He sometimes gives you his best even if you don’t).
Realization :
Being single is a gift as not everyone is capable of being alone (as heard from Joe or Jam)
We had time to spare so we just hung out in the cabin…or did we? Oh we had a session first! I hardly remember because Pastor Jonathan for me wasn’t really working but he did inject some meaningful things which I have shared with my d-group mates. Pastor Jonathan talked about baptism, what it was and wasn’t. why get baptized, and why get baptized in front of everyone.
Breakout was okay I guess…
I shared how I do not want to burn bridges and I certainly do not want to burn my bridge to God. I told them how being socially awkward was a product of my childhood and it’s what hinders me from growing closer to God. I act the way I do because I have been deprived more than what should have been deprived of me… my social calendar was 20x more boring compared to Santa’s one day gift giving spree. (just a comparison) I’m only starting to adjust so I told them that I don’t act like other boys or men do because I grew up with women and I didn’t have a lot of friends back then so I thought that I should act like what I saw in most people. In my case, women. But I’m trying to act more manly. No one can say that I’m not trying.
The reason I explained this is because that was what I shared before a d-group mate of mine asked or rather shared that when we first met he didn’t really know what I was. I said it’s okay and that I got that a lot. When I walk into a store I’m greeted by “Hello Ma’am/Sir!” so I guess at least I’m nearer to manly than before because back then… the latter was excluded.
My d-group leader then asked who were already baptized, who wasn’t and would want to. I wasn’t baptized. I told them I wasn’t baptized and I still wasn’t ready to be. I told them that as Pastor Jonathan explained,
I wasn’t and I am still not ready for a public declaration of my love for God. I wanted and still do want to be baptized when I am sure that I am ready to commit myself fully and not just partially to God. He has given me everything when he has declared his love for the world even though the world hated him. I want to return the favour and be able to give him everything. I said that I didn’t want to be baptized just because the fire was burning more than usual. (unlike before, at least my unlit candle now had a flame) I wanted to be ready for the lord because I owe him that much, I love him that much. I want the fire burning in me to be a constant flow of light and not just a flame slowly dying down along with the loss of oxygen.(God’s word) I want to be able to build a fire and not kill it. I want to serve God without having to be just guilty coz’ I was already baptized.
They were joking around and Gavin joked “c’mon guys lets give him peer pressure so that he’ll be forced to get baptized. Nah! I’m just messing with you bro!”
Anyways…
Awards night was up. I was honestly hoping to win something but I didn’t… it’s okay…
Realization: I found myself secure enough to know that I don’t need special awards to feel that I am worth something…
but I could also be secure with a medal around my neck because our team won!!!!!!!! 3rd place!!!!!!!! Ate Kat’s team won 1st!!!!!!!!!!! woohoo!!!!!
After award’s night was the special night. Special night was really nice… It was like an escape from reality. There was dancing and singing and story-telling. There were definitely tears. We were asked to write the obstacles that hinder us from growing closer to God and we lifted those to God. The singing was phenomenal. I shared with Bryan and Alvin that I felt safe when I sang religious songs.
Realization: I feel safe when I sing, but I feel safer when I sing spiritual/religious songs.
After the special night, we went back to the cabin and Andrẽ started surprising people who entered the room and by doing so, Joe and Gavin joined in on the fun. I was then surprised to see April and Gelle and Alex outside our room. They asked us to join the hide and seek since our lights out was extended until 1:00 a.m. We all agreed to join but we all failed to find the other hiders except for one. haha!
When we got back, they (Joe,Gavin,Jam,Andrẽ) started singing acoustic and rock. Jan-Jan entered the room and we started arguing about which Don Bosco is better… of course my Don Bosco’s better! Ha! Anyways, we were reminded a total of 3-4 times to go to bed, so we fell asleep at about 2 a.m. and woke up at about 6:30
We went to breakfast feeling real tired but still happy. It was like our usual breakfast but we were talking more now. Talk usually isn’t my thing unless it’s a prepared speech or reporting. I usually just write but even that I’ve lost interest in. I guess writing is a way of expressing myself without the added pressure of people watching in real-time.
After breakfast the schedule clearly shows 8:00-9:00 as personal devotions time which some of us did but mostly it was spent on people using our bathroom to take baths and to take dumps of heavy stink bombs. Oh, how our room smelled after was a pleasant distaste of many cultures mixed into a porcelain mechanism we call a toilet bowl.
Session 4:
Session 4 was like a continuation of the baptism talk but it was now more on how to conquer temptation. (I think “Victory” was the session’s title) It talks about how we fail because—since I don’t remember specifics—generally it’s either we underestimate the power of temptation or are ignorant of how temptation works. It talks about how we can triumph by acting on fact by faith. It also talks about how baptism is not a requirement for us to go to heaven and how it is a public inward declaration of the change of belief. It also talks about how we should not live in sin after or even if we are not baptized.
Realization: we should not be baptized because of peer pressure or because we are embarrassed that if we don’t, others will change their perception about us.
After the session, the baptism candidates were asked to change and we were asked to proceed to the pool in about 20-30 minutes. I took the chance to take a bath and I was the last one out...well except for Robert or was it Mark? He had to get the bad elements out of his body! Haha! We went there but the pool still wasn’t ready. We were heading back when
We went back to the swimming pool and hung out. I took this chance to take a picture of everyone I knew. I took some pictures here; I took some pictures there and voila! The camera’s memory was almost full. The baptism began and ended and we all headed back towards the cabin to get our stuff. We again took some pictures. We ate lunch and my commitment was to read scriptures and live it. Which I do every night since then and missed only 2 nights of reading.We got back to the cabin and got all our stuff and headed to the main hall before boarding the buses. We (d-group) bonded throughout the trip. We played games and shared some stories. When we finally got back to CCF we said our goodbyes and while waiting for ate Kat, Gavin borrowed the camera to take a picture of me. I was quite reluctant. I was never photogenic or telegenic. (Ironically I want to be a part of show business)
He was saying how it was non-sense. He taught me how to smile and when he gave back the camera we said goodbye to each other and he told me “always smile lang dude.”
Realization then: Wow, I have a good smile na! hehe!
Realization now: When people see you smiling while serving the lord, they are enticed to join because people naturally look for happiness. Happiness which they will later on realize can only be found in the Lord our God.
We attended the last service (I guess) and headed home.
My general realization:
I took all the time looking at things, at doubts, at inconsistencies which I can use against the Lord that I forgot to look at all the good things that he has taught me. I still have doubts… though doubts should not break your relationship with God but instead make it stronger because what would relationships be without misunderstandings? Right? God wants us to know him more and that is why he gave us the ability to doubt. I’ve lived my life thinking and believing that there is a supreme being acknowledging him for all the hurts and pains like…
the things we can’t stand, the people we hate and the obstacles we thought we’d never overcome
but never really acknowledging him for anything that he has created so perfectly…
like the things that we find hard to leave behind, the people we love, and the obstacles we have already overcome.
I’ve learned that maybe that I am really a piece of old rock covered gem… no worth, no value, no radiance, but I’ve also learned that God is gently thrusting out the hard rock that we have covered ourselves in and He is patiently polishing us waiting until He finally gets that perfect gem. We may never be that perfect gem but, God was never really looking for the perfect gem… He is only looking for gems that would make His perfect kingdom.
I’d like to take this opportunity to thank my family and all the people who have been there for us.
Lozada Family
Jalandoni Family
Elepaño Family
Portmann Family
De Guia Family
Sapinoso Family
Borja Family
And to all the others I have not mentioned… that doesn’t make you any less of a person who has touched our lives. Again, thank you very much.
May God bless you all and may you have a blessed life ahead of you. To God be all the glory and praise, to our Father and to our Savior.
slight update: photos available on my facebook profile: Kristov Blue Austria Angeles
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